Sexual addiction often remains hidden and unidentified. Though this subject is difficult for me to write about, my hope and heartfelt intention is to reach out to women who are suffering. You are not alone.The letter included details of his involvement with pornography. At the time, I could not explain his behavior or betrayal of me. I was in shock and destroyed emotionally! The trust in my marriage had broken into pieces. I was not confident it could be mended. Now I have learned the good fortune of my husband confessing his sin to me rather than it remaining hidden or me catching him in the act. Now God is inspiring me to help women break through their shame, insecurities, denial and self-blame often associated with sexual sin.
Does sexual sin and broken trust exist in your marriage? To find out, you must be honest, completely honest, with yourself about your marriage. What is the truth? What is the reality in your marriage… not where you want to be or should be but where you truly are right now. I have had many people ask me what the signs are and how to determine this so here are some questions that can help to get you started. Ask yourself:
--Do we pray together?
--Are we helping each other spiritually?
--How is our communication?
--Do we share our feelings, dreams, and fears with one another?
--Am I supported in strong, deep relationships with other women?
--Does my husband have solid friendships with other men?
Chances are if there is sexual dysfunction in your marriage the answers to most of these questions are “no” or “rarely”.
Sexual addiction is defined as “the state of being enslaved to a sexual habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming such as lust, pornography, or immorality”. With most cases, sexual addiction is complex and usually cannot be solved easily or quickly. I personally believe addiction is an attempt to fill an emptiness that can only be filled by intimacy with God.
Healing begins with acknowledgement of the problem. Once you are honest about where your marriage stands, you will likely be more motivated to seek help. You need and deserve compassion. Friends and loved ones can be compassionate and genuinely reach out. Still, some may be at a loss to help you work through this devastation or minimize your emotional pain. Others may attempt to help, but find themselves in over their head and unintentionally worsen the situation. In their own helplessness they may unwittingly worsen the situation by minimizing your emotional pain. If this happens to you, do not despair but keep praying and looking for God’s guidance to the right resources.
Open up to a close friend or spiritual leader that you trust. Look into your church network for support groups. If they exist, these groups may be an excellent way to build friendships and surround yourself with women that can relate to your circumstances and emotions. I can not underemphasize how crucial it is to have a support network. Don’t try to go at this alone! There are a myriad of feelings and emotions such as grief and loss that likely will be evoked through this process. Venting and expressing those in a safe environment is vital to your recovery.
The healing process is transformative. It can take days, months or even years for some to get through. It is best if you don’t set a time table for yourself. Rather, allow God to reveal what He wants to in His time, not your own. As is common in our society, we anxiously search for the quick and easy steps to “fix” the problem. Most of the time this plan is futile. It takes deep soul searching, finding divine inspiration and guidance and opening your heart to God’s grace for true transformation. Be patient and gracious with yourself.
When I started my journey I searched for a support group in my church. Unfortunately, there wasn’t one. In desperation and with a BIG push from God, I formed a group almost three years ago. As with most life-changing endeavors, it has been an incredible challenge and a huge blessing all at the same time.
Over the past three years my husband and I have been able to educate ourselves about sexual addiction. It was and still is very important for me to gain wisdom through solid information bases. I discovered through my research there are reasons why men choose this form of addiction. As I became more informed about sexual addiction, God provided me much clarity and understanding. I have included some of the most transformative books for me at the end of this article.
Through this process God gave me a willing heart to start over again in my marriage. God has given each of us our own paths to take. I realize that some do not come to the same resolution that I did.
Finally as brothers, all of you be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude. 1 Peter 3:8 NLT
I believe God has created a specialized ministry for my husband and me. Through it we are able to share our story and help anyone God brings to us through this difficult and personal issue. Last year we were blessed to attend the Pure & Simple conference in Chicago, Illinois. Several couples like ourselves have begun Sexual Integrity Ministries and are experiencing great success with restoring sexual purity. It was so encouraging to see others persevering and healing this wound with God’s evident and powerful grace.
I now truly understand what my husband has undergone through his prison of addiction. It takes extraordinary courage and grace to face this problem. Allowing God to show me my husband’s struggle and perspective has melted my heart and motivated me to forgive and personally heal and well as support his healing process.
Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven. Luke 6:37 NLT
This transformation is a process, a journey. Trusting God is the only way my broken heart can heal. Likewise, it is the only way for your broken heart to heal. Remind yourself that you are part of a network of women who are waiting to befriend you, serve you, and support you. God will guide you to them. God chose you to be a helpmate to your husband and he will give you what you need to fulfill that incredible purpose!
I pray my experience helps lighten your burden and inspire hope. I would be happy to talk with you more. I pray that you will soar (Isaiah 40:31).
Renee’ Garth
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READING LIST:
Every Heart Restored- Stephen Arterburn, Fred & Brenda Stoeker
Secret Wars- Marsha Means
A Gentle Path Through the 12 Steps- Patrick Carnes
